Miley Cyrus to Lose Virginity at Disney's Magic Kingdom

"I've always said you can't control your child without allowing her to roam free. This is just my special way of holding Miley's hand, and letting her become a woman, on her own terms."

This was the press release from Billy Ray Cyrus as of last night, after word spread that his 16 year old daughter and pop princess Miley Cyrus would be losing her virginity to her current boyfriend Justin Gaston, 20, at Disney's Magic Kingdom come sometime next month. However, because Miley is underage, the law demands that there be parental consent. Her father not only consented, but took the initiative to supervise the event, "Justin's a good guy and he's got God on his side. I'm sure he'll be more than a gentleman."

Disney stepped in to sponsor the momentous occasion of their teen superstar, as they had for her 16th birthday this past October. President and Chief Executive of Disney, Robert A. Iger, said the final arrangement was a compromise,"Miley's father originally demanded that the star's deflowering be aired on a special episode of Hannah Montana. I couldn't let that happen, so we settled on a sponsored event. We've been battling to keep a healthy relationship with the Cyrus family, but sometimes all we can do is agree to disagree... and then agree again."

When approached about the publicity of the event, Gaston stated, "I'm into it. I mean, you know, if her daddy's cool with it, I'm cool." Gaston also said that he is positive this will boost his celebrity status, "I just want to be like Ashton Kutcher, but not be married to an old chick."

Although the final date of "Miley's First Time: A Disney Adventure" is still being kept a secret, we can assume that it will be one of the mostly highly attended events the park has ever experienced.

Brangelina Family Accidently Adopts American Orphan!

Angelina Jolie announced in a press conference last Thursday that her family has added a new member to the gang.

The little bundle of joy seems to have wandered into their lives unexpectedly during their most recent trip to their residence in New Orleans. Jolie claims that the kids brought him in after he "followed them home."

Zahara and Maddox found the child crawling around a vacant lot near their home. Although the children could not be reached for comments, Jolie says that, "the kids convinced me to keep him by saying that they would take care of him. We'll hold on to him until they find something else to play with."

The actress had no intention of ever adopting a child from her own country of origin. " I've always said that when you adopt a child it has a cultural story that you bring into your life. I already know his story because I see it every time I drive by a Sonic. It's disgusting."

Dennis Quaid: Meg Ryan is a Praying Mantis!

In late September 2008 Meg Ryan reached out to the public in In Style Magazine claiming actor and former husband Dennis Quaid had been unfaithful to her "for a very long time." Quaid, having been divorced from Ryan for eight years, said he was sick of being demonized as the bad guy and that the actress was "out of control" and "unstable."

With the the article laid to rest for over two months, Quaid decided to come out and tell his side of the story. "You know, you might think Meg is a sweet heart, but she's far from it... there's a thing or two you don't know about that crazy bitch!"

Quaid explained that in 1998, two years before the couples' divorce, Meg had attempted to seduce him with, "some sort of new 'move.' Our sex life was in the shitter, and she said we should try something more risky."

To the actor's surprise, Meg transformed in bed, literally. Quaid recounts, "It was like nothing I'd ever seen. And I'm not talking about her shitty plastic surgery. Her skin came off like a banana peel. And what was left, was (pause) terrifying." Quaid went on to explain how he felt violated and raped by the entire process. "She took over and I lost control. Next thing I know my head is in her mouth, and she's just gnawing away. With what little energy I had left, I kicked her away." Quaid went on to say that he returned the next day to find Ryan calmly watching You've Got Mail on the couch.

After hearing Quaid's story, scientist came to the conclusion that America's sweet heart was, in fact, a Praying Mantis. Noah Shyler, professor of Human Mutations at The University of Washington stated, "Well, we didn't come to the conclusion right away. It wasn't clear until Mr. Quaid told us about her attempts to bite his head off that we decided there was only one logical explanation. Meg Ryan is a fucking Praying Mantis."